DO IT TO IT!

Lighten Up, It's Just Bloggin'

2006-05-23T07:33:00.000-07:00

I also forgot to mention that the other main reason I'm Where in the World is Carmen Sandiego? is because over the past year I became OBSESSED with some reality tv. It's sad really. Didn't miss a single episode of that Project Runway all winter. Who am I kiddding, I watched them all, then all the re runs, and of course the reunion, which are always the BEST! I'm only going on about this b/c it was probably my favorite show to watch this year (I haven't seen a single new episoide of Soprano's, so we can't even go there....). Aw, I'm starting to miss my little blog now. Daniel Franco, where did you? We'll see ya in Season 3!

God, I bet you have no clue what I'm jabbering about. PR's been over since, what, February? I still love to dream though.... What happened to ANDRE? I love it.

Little Ghost Little Ghost

2006-05-23T07:15:00.000-07:00

I know right? The first update in about a year. Sorry, no internet at this chick-a-dee's house. I'm just mooching off a pal's laptop at the moment anyway. Hopefully, I can get back to some regular posting, because you know I've had a long-ass time to come up with tons of material. Por ejemplo: Brokeback Mountain. Neversaw the movie, not even going to comment on the film itself except to say that is was a South Park joke first. We're talking when Sundance Film Festival came to South Park. Anybody remember? I have a whole conspiracy theory about it, but that's for another time. Until then, for any questions or comments I'm goldandsilvershine@yahoo.com

I love you all. I hope someone reads this.

Bear with me....

2005-08-12T17:35:00.000-07:00

... as I try to get this blog under control. I'm attempting some revamping and not doing such a great job.

Game Over, for real

2005-08-11T08:33:00.000-07:00

This 28-year-old man in South Korea dropped dead after 50 hours of computer games. That game must have been so awesome.

Shotgun!

2005-08-11T02:15:00.000-07:00

I'm so glad someone finally settled the shotgun rules for hired prostitutes.

A One Hit Wonder

2005-08-10T09:56:00.000-07:00

Remember that guy who sang that song "Walking in Memphis"? Apparently, Marc Cohn was shot in the head on Sunday, and survived! My favorite part of this article is when the police forced the shooter out of a vacant house with tear gas, and then fired a "nonlethal rubber ball" at him. This is a stand-off, not dodgeball, silly.

Haunted

2005-08-09T15:07:00.000-07:00

I just finished the bizarre Haunted by Chuck Palahniuk, more renonwed for his more popular fiction, Fight Club. Haunted's frame story consists of a group of characters locked away in an old abandoned theater for three months. They had all answered the same ad in the newspaper. A writers' retreat. Create your masterpiece. The beauty queen, the reporter, the assassin, the diseased, the clairvoyant, the pervert, the vandal, and the others I can't remember at the moment, they all have their own stories to tell. Completely original, hilarious, tear-jerking, stomach-churning flashbacks from each of their lives. These flashbacks eventually reveal the one common reason each has volunteered to be quarantined for three whole months, and also their one common goal while trapped inside (which is not to create their masterpiece). A most recommended read.

Next on the agenda: (gosh, this is long overdue) Wigfield by Amy Sedaris, Paul Dinello, and Stephen Colbert, three of the four creators of my all time favorite television series, Strangers with Candy. Which reminds me, they made a Strangers with Candy movie which premired at the 2005 Sundance Film Festival. Can't wait for the rental. Should be Gross-out City!

Bad English. Bad Attitude.

2005-08-08T10:12:00.000-07:00

I've often wondered why Jackie Chan and Arnold Schwarzenegger have never made a movie together. Doesn't that just seem like the quintessential action duo? And nobody would understand a word between the two of them. Brilliant.

Here's the last 5 seconds of the movie trailer (Insert overly-exaggerated Austrian-muscle head voice for Arnold and cliche Asian accent for Jackie):

Explosions in the background, Arnold and Jackie look back to the incinerated villains and say,

Arnold: Ahhh, See you later alligator!
Jackie: Aftah while crocodile.

I still haven't thought of a good, catchy movie title. Any suggestions?

Go ahead and send me my billions.

2005-08-04T16:06:00.000-07:00

Ok, so here is my pitch for what will soon be the hottest game that all the kidz are krazy for!

Remember the old school Nintendo game, Duck Hunt? Of course you do, everyone is cuckoo for Duck Hunt. My game combines the light-hearted comedy of Tyrone Biggums and the classic Duck Hunt game.

So, at the beginning of the game, Tyrone gulps down one of his favorite energy drinks, Red Balls. In case you are not familiar with Red Balls, the key ingredient is crack cocaine.

Like its similar counterpart, Red Bull, Red Balls "gives you wings". The wings make the crackhead fly, and then you, kiddo, your job is to shoot the crackhead, just like one of those pesky ducks.

Man, I'm a badass at MS Paint.

You get the idea, right? You love to shoot crackheads. You want this game. Give me your money.

Oh, and by the way, the new season of Reno 911 is mighty P.I.M.P. (pee in my pants) worthy. Go watch it now.

Darkness is Spreading

2005-08-04T09:16:00.000-07:00

Here's an interview with Charlie Murphy about the end of short-lived Chappelle's Show.

Months ago I had heard the stories about Dave's retreat to South Africa just before the third season of Chappelle was to debut. Since then, Comedy Central has pretty much told the public, "We don't know where the fuck that n*gga is. Here, watch Stella."

So, you think it's really over? Let me tell you somethin' Joe Rogan....

Oh, and I have the best idea ever for a Chappelle video game. I'm going to attempt to create some sort of model of it, to give you an idea, on MS Paint. Should be cracktastic.

"Check out this fiiiiiiiine bedonkadonk"

2005-08-04T08:31:00.000-07:00

Call me feminist, or whatever, but I LOVE this.

Where is my FACE?

2005-05-22T22:50:00.000-07:00

Oh yeah, my face. It was completely rocked off last Saturday night. I can't find it.

Of course I'm referencing the almighty Weezer show that took place at the Tabernacle in Hotlanta, GA (oh yeah, I went there). Since I'm a big nerd and also an obsessive Weezer admirer, I was one of the many to log on to Ticketmaster no more than one minute after tickets going on sale to reserve my evening of asthma rock.

Once inside The 'Nacle, I fought through the thick-rimmed masses to eventually occupy my space for maximum rockage. I'm 5'2", people, an obvious disadvantage. I even harassed a fellow red head in order to move closer to the stage.

Finally, as the lights went out, I red-rovered my way to the very front of the throng, grabbed on to the metal barricade with all my might, and yelped my little lungs out as my favorite quartet emerged before the anxious audience. Oh yeah, what was the opening band? Who cares.

Heavily perspiring Weezer fans roared at the opening ditty, "Tired of Sex" and bounced about like human pogo sticks while saluting the stage gods with the official =w= hand gesture.

I had never been at the very front of the crowd during a concert, so I had not the experience of watching security guards sweep crowd surfers to the shore and escort them off back behind the barricades. But it's not the crowd surfing that excites me. The exciting part came during "Haunt You Everyday" when a certain guard abandoned his post momentarily and a young gentleman was catapulted to the concrete floor, bashing his face on the metal railing on the way down.

I thought the kid was dead, but he just got up and shook it off. Weezer fans love pain hardcore. Brian Bell, God bless him, was directly in front of me, saw the whole ordeal, looked down at us with a smile, and nodded with approval. It's awesome because he's Brian Bell. In 2002, I saw him backstage at the HiFi Buys Amphitheatre show and he winked at me. I love that man.

Though Saturday night's performance wasn't as high energy as the HiFi Buys show, my face was still, you know, rocked off.

Highlight of the evening for me was when frontman, Rivers Cuomo stepped back and allowed guitarist Brian Bell (you'll remember him from before- he's neat) to assume lead vocals during "Getchoo". Also, I must make mention of the solid rock out moments during "The Good Life", "Undone", and "Say It Ain't So".

The disappointment of the evening... ending the night on "Hashpipe". I was hoping they'd give us a little somethin somethin. What happened to "El Scorcho"? "Only in Dreams"? Also, I was hoping Rivers would be more chatty with the crowd. Though it's not his nature to gab between rock outs, his cheeky, coy manner seemed absent. Or maybe that Rivers was being so ultra-coy that I didn't even catch it. Probably. Also, Patrick Wilson and Scott Shriner are badass.

Setlist:
Tired Of Sex
In The Garage
No One Else
Pardon Me
Buddy Holly
Photograph
Hold Me
Getchoo
Say It Ain't So
We Are All On Drugs
Island In The Sun
My Name Is Jonas
Peace
Beverly Hills
The Good Life
Undone - The Sweater Song
---
Haunt You Every Day
Hash Pipe

Coming Attractions

2005-05-15T20:07:00.000-07:00

Lack of posts has been due to the final month or so of school as well as Steven FUBU Flurry smashing my ride to pieces. Stay tuned for a complete update on that travesty as well my recap of the Weezer concert in Atlanta this weekend.

I'm outie.

Remnants on a Dry-Erase Board

2005-03-04T12:02:00.000-08:00

This morning I arrived a bit early for my Spanish 1020 class and passed the time by studying the large dry-erase board hanging at the front of the room. This board had one of those pesky surfaces, that if one didn't write on it with the exact right marker, any markings would be nearly impossible to erase. With that, various scribbles and phrases are now permanently visible on said board, thus inspiring this documentation. I call it "Remnants on a Dry-Erase Board".

Evil is Heel. (plates) la biblioteca
world of delight, child by war
sensitive? (7)
"What the religious call"
Good- passive
Evil- active
feet la comida
leyeron

I like it. It is.

Martha, my dear...

2005-03-04T11:46:00.000-08:00

I had mixed feelings about Martha Stewart going to prison. I mean, I'm all for fair sentencing. If some hooligan has it coming, then by all means, do it to it. But Martha Stewart? Really? Maybe the judge had never seen her delightful television series, Martha Stewart Living. Anyway, I'm happy to hear Big M is out of the big house. This reality show, though.... uh oh....

Wanda on Martha:

"Why in the hell did they go after that woman? Martha Stewart. Insider trading? It's unfair. She's rich. Rich people, they talk to other rich people. And they talk about rich stuff, like stocks and bonds, and which island to buy...
She really didn't do anything wrong. Everybody does that insider trading. Broke people do it, too, just on a different level. We all got a hookup. I have a cousin who works at Wal-Mart. She calls me all the time. 'Girl don't buy that today. It's going on sale tomorrow. Two for one, it's gonna split.'...
Prosecutors brought out testimony of Martha 'yelling' at people on the phone, trying to make it seem that Martha wasn't a nice woman... Martha Stewart is a powerful woman; she probably does yell from time to time. She's the boss. Donald Trump yells at somebody every week on national television and fires him. We love it...
So let me get this straight. Martha Stewart goes on trial and is convicted for allegedly getting a stock tip from a friend and she made a few thousand dollars. Ken Lay, former Enron CEO, bankrupts a sixty-billion-dollar company and he hasn't seen the inside of a courtroom."

"Proper"ganda?

2005-02-23T20:50:00.000-08:00

I try so hard to make puns because they are my favorite kind of joke.

I have a bone to pick with a few commercials that are currently offending me on a regular basis.

Numero uno: Have you seen the new KFC commercial? Why is ''Sweet Home Alabama'' playing in the background? Just because the words are left out, doesn't mean the derogatory message is anything short of obvious. I see what you're trying to do, KFC. You're trying to warp us. Hillbillies and black people share a common love for fried chicken, everyone knows. If people are going to start blasting "Sweet Home Alabama" over sultry images of fried chicken, riots will be had. No question about it.

Numero dos: I am not crazy. On that Oreo commercial, the one with the sweet little cookie ditty... "Oh Oreo, oooh..." you know what I'm talking about, right? Ok, the next time you see that commercial, watch for the little Asian boy at the end. I'm almost positive he has a cigarette behind his ear. I know! What? Yeah, so I'm outraged. It's an obvious conspiracy. Phillip-Morris has secretly taken over Nabisco and is trying to control the world with its delicious treats, and also cookies. That was a joke of course. If my mom heard me saying that, she would kick my face off.

As your attorney I advise you not to worry....

2005-02-23T19:50:00.000-08:00

This is a bit belated, but my regards to the late journalistic genius Hunter S. Thompson. I'm sure we've all seen reports on the suicide, so I'll just add this one tid bit and be on my way to other things....

"That’s where Time magazine lives ... way out there on the puzzled, masturbating edge, peering through the keyhole and selling what they see to the big wide world of chamber of commerce voyeurs who support the public prints."

"The Edge... there is no honest way to explain it because the only people who really know where it is are the ones who have gone over." --both quotes from Hunter S. Thompson.

Remember? He played Macbeth at the ASF....

2005-02-01T15:29:00.000-08:00

Yes, the title is alluding to last spring's Alabama Shakespeare Festival performance of Macbeth which stared (unanimously decided) a Ted Nugent look-alike. By the way, check out that Macbeth link. It's intense.

Lately, I've been seeing this television commercial (I think it might be a commercial local to Auburn or Columbus, not sure) for attorney Ken Nugent, "The Strong Arm". Ok, so obviously this guy is related to Ted Nugent, no? C'mon, who else would (and should!) have the nerve to be a freaking attorney, practicing under the surname "The Strong Arm" and not be of the Ted Nugent blood? It's plain and simple, boys and girls.

Now, this screams potential. I mean, The Strong Arm! It's a punchline in and of itself. Or, it could change my life. I desperately crave a felony charge now so that I may hire this man, become buddies, pals, associates, and also chums. Or maybe I could just write his risque autobiography. Or...

What do we think about this new font, mmm?

Guess Who's Back

2005-01-18T21:54:00.000-08:00

So I took a little hiatus there to do it to it non-web for a while, but now I'm back and I've got some bitching to do. Inspired by one Social Retard, who eloquently voiced his top 22 picks for best albums of 2004, I too comprised a list of my own.....

It's my list of things that should have drowned in its own vomit in 2004!

(in no particular order:)

1. Pants with words on the butt.
There are more subtle ways to draw attention to your ass, ladies. Actually, I'll be checking out your can regardless of what is ironed across it. That's the gal I am.

2. George W. Bush.
An obvious, but honest choice.

3. Grown men wearing pink shirts.
If there is more testosterone than estrogen in your body, you can not pull this color off. Please stop trying.

4. One-ply toilet paper.
I don't understand why one would cut corners (or squares) when it comes to wiping his ass. To me, keeping the ass clean is a pretty high priority. No good can come from one-ply.

5. Personalized (vanity) car tags.
No one cares about your stupid tag, so stop wasting money trying to spell out 'Thug Master Balla Chainz" in various 5-7 character combinations of letters and numbers. It all reads the same: lame.

6. Ashlee Simpson.
Ok, so we know that Ashlee and Jessica Simpson are of the same gene pool. So why hasn't anyone stuffed Ashlee into a cannon and fired her at a local Krystal's?

7. Sporks.
The hermaphrodite of the dining utensil kingdom. Is it a fork? Is it a spoon? Androgeny is dumb.

8. Boy Scout popcorn.
Was I the only person to experience the atrocity of boy scout popcorn this past year? Those compass carrying motherfuckers duped my dad into buying a whole box of this stuff that tastes like it was popped in Satan's crotch kettle. Worst. Popcorn. Ever.

9. Blue Collar TV (on Comedy Central).
I don't really feel like I have to defend my stance on this one.

10. Ben Affleck.
Let's be honest. If you were Ben nowadays, wouldn't you just rather be dead?

11. Rapidly blinking brake lights.
Stay with me on this one. Some cars have a rear brake light that lights up while the brake is applied, and stays lit while the car is braking. Other devil cars have this brake light that blinks really fast the whole time. THE WHOLE TIME! I get it. You stopped! Gosh, that is some terribly distracting design flaw, and I always fear of going into an epileptic seizure every time I see one.

12. Truckers' hats.
Why? Why? Why? Why? Oh God, why?

So that's the list. Some honorable mentions were crochet ponchos, White Z71 trucks (I have my reasons), Page Davis, and Dakota Deli here in Auburn (I mean it's still a freaking Schlotzsky's!).

Words, Words....

2004-12-08T22:30:00.000-08:00

So I was flipping through an old notebook looking for a scratch (do people say "scratch" or "scrap"? I'm never sure...) piece of paper when I came across a poem I had written. I'm not sure how old this poem is, nor do I recollect ever writing it. Nonetheless, it is in my handwriting, in one of the many notebooks I have sitting around (have I ever told you I have an obsession with notebooks?). It's a strange piece and I thought I'd share it with you. Your comments/interpretations are more than welcome.

A rainbow of milkduds
And lollipops are all around
Watch out!
They'll shoot you
Lollipops are cantankerous,
Are always packing heat.

What? Toni Braxton?
Tiny sharks float about
And pollinate
Tall, calm, unsuspecting sunflowers
Of soap bubbles
Spread your seed
Your sweet milk of gina.
Moisture.
And milkduds.

Mozeltof!*

2004-12-08T22:03:00.000-08:00

It's the second night of Chanukah! I'm not actually Jewish, but I am a Jew-enthusiast. I've always wanted a menora so I could actually partake in the festival of lights, but for some reason Jewish paraphenalia is hard to come by in Auburn, Alabama. Imagine that. So I searched "Chanukah" and "menora" to see what I could come up with. I was a little dismayed to find that hardly any of the results pulled from my "Chanukah" search actually had anything to do with the holiday. Why aren't the Jews representing World Wide Web style? Anyway, I found a menora, but it's $66 bucks. That's more than a freaking Christmas tree, right? I guess it's good enough that Auburn's lone synagogue is right down the road in my very neighborhood. If any Auburnites know where I can pick up a menorah, fill me in.

Here you are kiddies, your Yiddish expression for the day:

Lebst a chazerishen tog! - Living high off the hog!

Who knows what that really means.

*I apologize to any Jewish reader who noticed my mispelling of "mozeltof". I don't know if I got it right or not. You can tell me I'm dumb, it's ok.

She Could Steal, But She Could Not Rob

2004-12-08T18:20:00.000-08:00

Hello friends. Long time, no see. I had the cancer, plus Carino's (yeah, I work at Johnny Carino's) and school have been making me quite the busy ladybug. Anyway, I'm back now.

(So Britney, how was Wanda?)

Well, since you asked, Wanda was awesome of course. I expected nothing less than stellar, and she delivered. Wanda brought out some great new material, a majority of it on her usual subjects: strippers, marijuana, sex... you know. She also did a few Whitney/Bobby and Martha Stewart jokes that enticed me to wiggle with the giggle. I did not throw my panties on stage. I could have if I wanted, but Atlanta is cold in November.

As always, we had the obnoxious brigade seated right behind us (did I mention we were on the fifth row, center?). They were your usual drunken, overly excited, nearing 30-and-must-draw-attention-to-ourselves-to-feel-younger-or-something bunch of dopplegangers. I too, got to play the role of the obnoxious sitter-behinder when I took out the older lady in front of me with my elbow. I was just trying to get a good picture of Wanda when she came out. I may have gotten carried away.

All in all, I had a wonderful time at Wanda's show. She looked really great in person, by the way. And I was so amazed that she was able to fight off camel toe with such a tight pair of jeans on. Now that is talent, pal.

Tomorrow and Tomorrow and oh my god.... TOMORROW!

2004-11-19T13:52:00.000-08:00

AAHHH!!! I'm so excited. No really, I'm fucking bursting! Watch out, I am ecstatic! Whooo! WHOOO!!!!!

It is finally here. This is what I've been waiting for thirty-seven years. Wanda and I will finally come face-to-face tomorrow evening. That's right folks. You are reading the blog of one Wanda Sykes' Cotton T-shirt Tour ticket holder. Hell yes. You could say that I am definitely SYKED- ah!- about the show. She'll be at the Tabernacle in Atlanta, GA. I've never been to this venue, so I'm hoping it's kind of intimate. I don't want too many unwashed sycophants standing between my beloved beauty and I. I was so excited that Comedy Central ran a marathon of Wanda Does It late last night. Man, I hope I don't explode.

So has anyone been to this Tabernacle? If so, how is it? Our seats are on either row G or H. Those should be some pretty damn good seats, right? I think I might throw my panties on stage.

Sitting in a Tree, S-E-X-I-N-G

2004-11-16T22:30:00.000-08:00

I'm not sure if I'll be seeing this new Kinsey movie. Have you guys seen the trailer for this one? Who's that guy who reviewed it by stating, "Sex has never been more fascinating"? He's obviously never sat in on a high school health class when the sex lady comes to visit. Either that, or he's been doin' it to it missionary for a while.... or even worse, solo.

Oh, and I really hate that overly dramatic kid who says something like (about sex), "If you're not careful, it will cut you wide open." Yeah, those C-sections are a bitch.

Thanks for Nothing, Jack-o

2004-11-16T20:54:00.000-08:00

When I was a wee tot, I watched Pee Wee's Playhouse. I don't actually recall a whole lot about the show, because I was so small, but I always here references from my aunts and uncles who grew up with the flamboyant Pee Wee, especially Uncle Heath. They always crack up about something to do with huge underpants or something? I don't know, it sounds like something I would actually love and I'm bringing it up because Pee Wee's Playhouse has released a dvd.

The actual point of this post was to show how Michael Jackson has ruined life for perverts everywhere. When I heard about the Pee Wee DVD, the first thing that popped into my head was, "ew gross, like Michael Jackson." Maybe it's just me, but I find a striking resemblance between a meek, pasty, weirdo and the King of Pop. I know that Paul Reubens was never convicted of child molestation, and I also think that exposing yourself to an adult and a child are two very different things. It's just that, 1. The thought of someone getting their happies from whipping it out disturbs me, and 2. Whenever I hear of any acts of perversions, my mind train is immediately thrown off the tracks by Michael Jackson. Let's face it, he's the most famous pervert in the world these days.

With that, I go back to my original point, he's ruined life for all other perverts, even Pee Wee Herman. This is just my opinion of course. I'm sure there are fans of Mr. Reubens who would never think "Pee Wee- wee wee- flashing his wee wee- Michael Jackson". But what about George Michael? I wonder if he ever gets any Michael Jackson associations. I don't really have any advice to those perverts out there who feel unjustified by being associated with a world renowned child molester. Except that you should just learn to keep in your pants to begin with.

Live-in' on a Prayer

2004-11-13T10:48:00.000-08:00

It was either Tuesday or Wednesday night, Jay Leno had Live on as his musical guest. I don't keep up with many mainstream artists anymore. Not because I'm above that or anything, I just don't listen to the radio and despise MTV. With that being said, my initial response upon hearing Jay introduce Live was, "Live? I thought they went away in 1995. Do they have a new song or something?" Jay mentions that Live is on the show promoting their Greatest Hits album and then the band graced the stage and began to sing their most popular hit, "Lightning Crashes".

I remember Live and that abortion song from back in the day. Wait, is that song about an abortion or a miscarriage or what? Anyway, I just thought it seemed like Live was trying to jump start its career, and failing miserably at doing so. I think someone told me that Live had a new song out not too long ago, so why wouldn't they play that on tv rather than one of their hits from nine years ago? I think this band has been misdirected and I feel obligated to offer my advice via this forum here, because Live is reading this, of course.

My advice for Live:

1. It's too early for grunge. Sorry guys.

2. Hey lead singer dude, you haven't seemed to change your bald-headed look at all since being out of the spotlight. Maybe you could grab more attention and fans with a new Jehri Curl.

3. And, uh, lead singer guy? Were those wooden anal beads you were wearing around your neck?

4. Even if people don't respond to your music, sex always sells. Why not try a scandalous addition to the band? You guys could get oily, big-breasted women in bikinis to dance around on stage and be in your videos and stuff. They would literally be "Live Dancers", isn't that fun? Plus, imagine the plethora of interpretive dance options when it comes to "Lighting Crashes". You could have one chick laying on the stage, with her profile to the audience, while another vivacious dancer emerged from between her legs and pretends to die or something. That will get spectators hot!

We Don't Talk About Wanda Enough

2004-11-11T15:51:00.000-08:00

Just after posting my shpeil (is that how you spell that word?) about Wanda Does It, I was begifted with Wanda's newest masterpiece, Yeah, I Said It. My favorite thing about the goddess Wanda is her voice. As I'm reading I imagine her voice inside my head and it is bliss. She's also opinionated and expresses her thoughts on several issues in this 247 page literary marvel. You must read this book now, for what is life if not Wanda? I'll give you a little taste of what exactly, yeah, she said....

On performance enhancers: "So what if steroids eventually destroy the prostate and testicles and totally kill the sex drive? Hey, some of those guys need their sex drives tamed a bit. Holla at me, Denver!"

On the space program: "What have we learned from our space travels? Seriously? What have we learned or discovered that affects our daily lives? Nothing. We're spending billions of dollars in outer space for what? Why don't we spend just half of that to find out who shot Tupac?"

On gay marriage: "Gays just want their union to be legally recognized across the country. What they really want are the same benefits that marriage offers, which in my opinion are none. So gays should just come up with a word other than marriage that means the same thing. Hell, come up with something that's better than marriage. Call is Mardi Gras! Come on, who don't like a good Mardi Gras? 'Jake and Lester been Mardi Gras'd for thirty years.' Gays love a good parade; have your Mardi Gras on a float. Give each other matching Mardi Gras beads. Write you own Mardi Gras vows."

On Michael Jackson: "Why are parents letting their kids hang out with Michael Jackson? That's what I want to know. I don't want to know about how Michael spends his money on gaudy, shitty art. I don't care about his mask-wearing, who-knows-where-they're-from kids. I don't even want to know how he breathes through that slit that he calls a nose. I just want to know why parents are allowing their kids to kick it with Michael Jackson."

Do It To It, Wanda!

2004-11-08T16:37:00.000-08:00

Everyone knows I love Wanda Sykes. In fact, I have dedicated my life to her. She is my rock, my alpha, my sweet sweet fantasy baby. So has anyone else been catching her new show, Wanda Does It? I must confess that I was a bit weary upon hearing of Wanda's new show. I love her as a stand-up, but I wasn't sure if she was really tv show material.

If you're not familiar with the premise of the show, in each episode Wanda takes on a new occupation. The best thing about it is that she actually gets certified to carry out whatever tasks she's signed up for. For example, my favorite episode so far was when Wanda decided to work at a local brothel, though she referred to it as being a "professional ho". Anyway, she actually went to the police station in whatever part of California she lives in and filled out her prostitution papers, licenses and what not.

I definitely think Wanda Does It is beginning to pick up. The first episode where Wanda was a repo-lady was amusing, yes, but lacking the full on Wanda-ness that I was looking for. She's just such a sassy, ass-kicking personality, and I wasn't sure if that would really come across in her show. The prostitution episode, however, certainly showed off Wanda's many, MANY sides (did you see that corset thing she had going on? And with that hat... sizzling).

There are other elements to the show that I enjoy other than the star. For example, there's a Curb Your Enthusiasm-esque feel to it. I love that Wanda is put in completely ridiculous scenarios, but is yet composed and totally serious throughout the episode. Also, the element of reality the show possesses by having Wanda interact with real people, even some complete strangers is entertaining.

So if you're not watching Wanda Does It every Tuesday at 9:30 on Comedy Central, like I am, you should at least try to catch tomorrow night's episode... or even a rerun of Wanda getting her freak on.

A Confederacy of Dunces

2004-11-06T15:15:00.000-08:00

I haven't updated for awhile. You didn't miss me. Wow, so that election happened. Disappointment. And that's all I can really say.

Has anyone read John Kennedy Toole's A Confederacy of Dunces? I haven't actually finished the book, but it's an enjoyable reading; both entertaining and amusing.

I am Energized, Crotch Face!

2004-10-25T19:35:00.000-07:00

So I am a little cranky today having only slept three hours last night. This morning on the Today Show, Dr. So-and-So was yacking about some seven step plan to becoming more energized. They even had five different women give testimonies about their experiences on Jon Gordon's plan, Ann included. I found myself feeling similar to one woman in particular, especially when she described herself hitting the snooze button three or four times before getting up in the morning. I, too, am a frequent snoozer. Instead, Jon Gordon made this lady get up right when her alarm sounded and go for a brief walk around the neighborhood. While walking, this woman is supposed to think to herself, "I am energized. I am energized. I am energized..." It's some psycho babble about establishing a positive mind set or something.

Anyway, I decided since I was feeling less than juvinated, that I should try out this little "energized" technique. Now, I hadn't the time for a walk at this point so I just chanted, "I am energized" in my head while running about searching for clean underwear and brushing my teeth simultaneously. I finally made it to my car, still the inner chanting, with just enough time to make it to my first class. That is until some old man douche face fuck hole with a "W '04" sticker on the bumper of his 1992 seafoam green Oldsmobile pulled right out in front of me and proceeded to drive 10 miles under the posted speed limit. And before I even had time to think, I found myself enraged with this geriatric and screaming, "I AM ENERGIZED" thus drowning out the peppy "Kodachrome" that had been easily flowing my the speakers of my car stereo. Shouldn't you be taking your insulin, sir? Your car is ugly and I hate you.

You Always Fade Out In A Montage

2004-10-24T19:50:00.000-07:00

Hi padnahs. I saw Team America: World Police this weekend. It was like one long South Park episode except with puppets and special effects. Unlike Chandler, I actually enjoyed this movie. I found the musical numbers, particularly the one about how much Pearl Harbor sucked, not only inspiring but just downright hilarious. In my opinion, the film didn't include that many pee-your-pants moments, but who doesn't love prolonged heavily gratuitous puppet sex? And it didn't even bother me that Trey Parker and Matt Stone mocked my all-time favorite musical, Rent. I wouldn't necessarily call this movie a "must see" but if you're a South Park fan, or just a fan of vulgar, lets-make-fun-of-all-the-douches-we-can-think-of humor, I would recommend this film for at least a rental.

"W" Stands for "Huh?"

2004-10-20T18:10:00.000-07:00

Today, at school, I saw a girl with a t-shirt that read "W stands for Women". I was puzzled, sort of like "W", himself. Anyway, I wasn't really comfortable asking this complete stranger to explain herself, especially with the ever-so-threatening John Kerry button I was sporting on the outside of my green jacket. So later I asked my boyfriend and this is the conversation that transpired:

Me: Hey, today I saw this girl with a shirt that said 'W stands for Women'.
David: Yeah.
Me: What's that about?
David: He's got a majority of the female vote.
Me: Why?
David: Because women think he's cute.
Me: What? No! He looks like a monkey! John Kerry is so hot!
David: (laughs)
Me: What? I'm serious. He's hot. And Jill thinks so too.
David: Well y'all are liberals.
Me: No way. If I saw George Bush and John Kerry standing side-by-side and was asked which one was better looking I'd say, 'well that one looks like a damn monkey and that one looks like Paul McCartney in the eyes.' (Thinks of Paul McCartney and sighs, smitten.)
David: Plus Kerry just looks smarter.
Me: I thought maybe her shirt was implying that Bush was actually doing something for women. No?
David: Hell no. He's not doing anything.
Me (angrily): I don't understand. That girl's shirt is dumb.

We then started talking about how women seldom form their opinions for themselves and yaddah yaddah.

What I want to know is, is David right? Does the "W stands for Women" shirt really just refer Bush's appeal to lady voters based on his looks? Is there nothing more to it? I need answers.

Cocaine is a Serious Drug

2004-10-19T13:43:00.000-07:00

Holy Moly! What is up with this mom lighting a crack pipe for her 5-year-old son? I mean, I've heard of "the cool mom" before, but this just seems a bit extreme.

Who AM I???

2004-10-17T18:45:00.000-07:00

Three question marks are seldom appropriate, I know.

Goodness, earlier I was cleaning out a cluttered space in my bedroom and I found a shoebox with several old cassette tapes in it. After taking a look at the first one or two I became terribly confused. The first tape I pulled out was Reba McEntire- Read My Mind. Yes, I know just that one sounds pretty heinous, but it gets so much worse. By the time I had looked through them all I couldn't stop asking myself, "Why do I have these? When do I ever listen to Whitney Houston's duet with Jermaine Jackson, 'Nobody Loves Me Like You Do'? Does anyone still know who Nelson* is?"

That's right. I said fucking Nelson. As in the golden flowing cascades of tresses trickling from the greatest monozygotic duo since Tia and Tamera Mowry. Nelson. "After the Rain" ring any bells? I still remember that video; one of my fondest childhood memories. I really loved Nelson as a young girl. Here's a list of all the uncovered treasures:

Madonna- Like A Prayer
Reba McEntire- Read My Mind
Aerosmith- Pump
The Cranberries- No Need to Argue
Elton John- Greatest Hits 1976-1986
TLC- Crazy Sexy Cool
Alan Jackson- Who I Am (This one actually had the top two holes taped up like I had once tried to record over it.)
Whitney Houston- untitled (But let it be known the copyright is 1985)
Nelson- After the Rain

Now I feel ashamed for having shared this.

*If anyone reading this does actually remember Nelson, you must sample the link I provided. Especially if you like the idea of a kickass midi-licious version of "(Can't Live Without Your) Love and Affection".

Root-in' Tootin' Good Time

2004-10-17T18:00:00.000-07:00

Friday evening I ventured to Tuscaloosa (which smells nay nay) to see the Roots on UA campus. An excellent time was had, especially since it was FREE. And who really expected them to do a cover of "Free Bird"? Pretty stellar show, I must say. I won't go on too much about the show since I'm almost positive that Rivers will be posting a very accurate account of the night with quality photos on the side. Since my post would just be babbling and no fun pics at all, I'll just leave the job to someone else.

No Wonder They Have the Fastest High-Speed Internet Connection.

2004-10-14T17:46:00.000-07:00

Has anyone else noticed that the guy's name on the Charter commercial is Robert DeJesus?

Just saying....

Sad Day for Stem Cells

2004-10-11T17:42:00.000-07:00

Sadly, Christopher Reeve passed away last night from what this article calls "complications from an infection caused by a bedsore". But on the Today Show this morning, Katie (or Matt, whatever) said it was because of a heart attack. Hmm.... I bet my mom and I could come up with a good conspiracy theory for this one. I mean our "Bill Clinton is really Elvis" one makes a lot of sense. No really.

You know, because Columbus was a Jew. Wait...

2004-10-11T17:21:00.000-07:00

So, happy Columbus Day, right? Today there were little old men stationed in front of every building on campus handing out pocket-size copies of The New Testament (the plus side being that they were green copies of The New Testament, and green is my most preferred color). Anyway, around the second or third offer I was tempted to ask, "Oh, are these for Columbus Day?" That's not offensive, is it?

Oh, and let me tell you about this wonderful young lady in my Finite Math class (yeah, don't let that finite completely blow your mind). I don't know what her name is, and yet I long to be her very best friend. It's a big class, so naturally it becomes quite noisy, even more so because the professor doesn't really give a shit. But this girl, man. When the crowd starts to get the slightest bit rowdy, she will turn and lay out the most chilling 'Shhhhhh' you will ever know. I am serious. She is serious! She's really skinny and has really long fingernails and she wants you to KEEP IT DOWN! I promise this is not a joke. I'm a person who is not easily intimidated, but I am frankly terrified of this girl. Her shhhhhes are just so mean. And buddy, you bet your poncho it works, too! She knows how to frighten that college class room into a deadly silence. I love her.

Kidz Bop = Satan's Love Making Music

2004-10-10T18:05:00.000-07:00

I'm sure you have all seen commercials on television for crap like this and cringed like myself. The thing that gets me about compilations like this is not the part where they take an actual song and then rerecord it with children's voices (ah, creepy!), but the actual music they choose. Come on, Linkin Park? Jessica Simpson? What are we trying to teach our children? I would love to flip through the channels one day and stop on an ad with a group of swaying five and six-year-olds singing "Happiness is a Warm Gun" in unison. I think their soft, prepubescent voices would be lovely for the "I need a fix 'cause I'm going down" line, especially. But you know, there are PLENTY of children-appropriate Beatles songs... and other bands are good too. Why aren't we turning our children on to music that's worthwhile rather than an industry of whores (that's what I like to call the pop music industry*)?

*Don't get me totally wrong, there are a lot of pop songs that I'll admit are very catchy and I even enjoy listening to. It's just.... gosh, this is a subject matter for a whole other post. And I'll just leave it at that. Plus, why the hell am I saying 'our children'? Like I have kids...

A blog is born....

2004-10-10T17:45:00.000-07:00

Well, it happened. I jumped on that blog bandwagon. I figure I have opinions though, right? Or this could just turn out to be a complete failure. Who can say? Anyway, just stick with me and I'll try to get this baby rolling....

Hey look! My first post, yay!